Come on, America, you knock-kneed purty little princess. Did you really think you could handle being ruled by a POTUS so potent he grows surplus pubes on his stiff upper lip?

To the shock and disappointment of carpet-bombing enthusiasts everywhere, Ambassador John Bolton has withdrawn his big stick from the GOP presidential primary stakes. Pulled out from his exploratory probing. Because John Bolton, aka Krishna*, aka Death, The Destroyer of Worlds, knows his Minuteman missile would have torn right through America’s quivering, soft mangina of fear and doubt, and we can’t have America lying around nursing its sores while the shit goes down.

Hence, with nothing but red, white, and blue balls of steel for his lady Liberty, Bolton bolted from the presidential race this afternoon in a loving Facebook video:

[There was a video here]

As I look forward, I have decided not to seek the Republican nomination for president. I believe I can make the strongest contribution to our future by continuing as a clear and consistent advocate for a strong Reaganite foreign policy that values peace through strength.

Bolton stressed that he’d keep workin’ on his fitness, whispering sweet and decorous words of war into the ears of the other GOP candidates. And he vowed not to stop hoovering up cash for his shock-and-awe-inspiring super PAC: “Nor will I stand idle while our president surrenders our national interests and liberals rally around his ideological twin, Hillary Clinton,” he sneered through his snowy face-mounted chia farm.

Bolton’s Facebook supporters are bloody but unbowed, ready to fight the next battle:

Yes, friends, the violent struggle is on to draft John Motherfucking Bolton to serve as America’s top diplomat and statesman with sensitivity, tact, patience, justice, and charity:

Step aside, all you Sallies. Bolton!

[Photo credit: AP Images]

Contact the author at adam@gawker.com.
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: FD97 D50A DE57 3943 4534 1A49 FA8B 74B4 A7A0 07BE