Georgia will deal with creeping sharia and marching socialism and also its unemployment rate—among the highest in the nation—just as soon as it passes this bill defending righteous, traditional Americans' freedom to hate gays. And how can anyone resist such a bill when proponents defend it as eloquently as this?

Since the time of Archimedes, human history has acknowledged six simple machines, basic tools designed to advance our lots. But in 2014, no tool proved simpler and more efficient in the production of sublimation, denial and self-sustaining garbage than our conservative media. Here were its highest achievements.

Under "epically smarmy grandstanding pantomimes" in the dictionary, see Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who punked a conference crowd last night with some off-teleprompter shit-talk in order to score some points with his base of support on Twitter.