Last week, we posed a question. This week, we have an answer: "Senator Tom Cotton," Republican of Arkansas, is in fact not a natural human organism, but a hybrid experiment in which the brain of German general Erich Friedrich Wilhelm Ludendorff has been grafted onto the frame of a pugnacious giraffe.
Future generations will read of a warmongering Southern senator named Cotton and think we made that shit up. Will they be right? Let's lay out what we know, and what we don't.
Arguments about the founding fathers' intent tend to be stupid. They are the province of elitist dullards and libertarian misrememberers. When not absurdly speculative, their cases ignore that our framers intended minorities and women to be chattel. But every so often, a framer speaks precisely to our modern condition.
Congressional Republicans, who 13 long years ago helped create a dumb massive federal "homeland security" bureaucracy, vowed this week that they'll keep it operating only if Barack Obama takes a harder line on immigrants to America. There's a simple solution here: Keep immigration open, and let the bureaucracy wither.
Jerky-flavored swizzle stick John Boehner, the face of the GOP House majority for the past four years, faces a stiff challenge to retain his speaker's post from a delicious cornucopia of conservatives who are fed up with the Ohio Republican's Obama-coddling multiculti socialist leadership.
A new CNN/ORC poll suggest half of Americans "believe Republican control of both chambers of Congress will be bad for the country, and a majority say it will in fact cause more gridlock in Washington." If only these Americans had a recent opportunity to effect a different political outcome!
Perhaps Ben Smith has finally found a suitable replacement for serial plagiarist and right-wing fanboy Benny Johnson in that shiny reductio ad absurdum of conservative id, outgoing Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota.
Rep. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.) sacrificed her legs in Iraq when a rocket hit the helicopter she was piloting. But Nancy Pelosi is unwilling to make any sacrifices for Duckworth's sake, and so the war veteran is losing the right to vote for her party's congressional leadership along with her 200 peers.
First, the good news: After years of being really, really, really bad at Internet, the Republicans may have finally figured out how to use the web smartly. The bad news: They did it, predictably, for evil and probably broke federal laws against coordination between campaigns and outside money groups.
"A voter gestures as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) votes in the midterm elections at Bellarmine University in Louisville, Kentucky," the Getty Images caption reads. That's... accurate as far as it goes. Happy Election Day, Mitch.
Who is the proverbial 1 percent when it comes to elections in America? This year, it's maybe a tiny swath of rural conservative voters.
Steve Southerland, a tea partier in a tough battle for his Florida congressional seat with the daughter of a Democratic ex-senator, caught criticism last week for hosting a closed-doors men-only fundraiser. But he told reporters today that he's no misogynist, because he knows how ladies do love negligees.
Perhaps out of legitimate fears over ISIS's increasing power among civilians in the Middle East and jihadists far beyond, or perhaps just because it's an election year, one Republican congressman has unveiled legislation to declare a ceaseless war against at least six terrorist groups in multiple countries.
