In an attempt to prove that good guys with guns could have altered the dynamics of last week's deadly Charlie Hebdo massacre in Paris, a Texas-based pro-gun group reenacted the shooting a dozen times with armed citizens and mostly discovered that armed citizens suck at stopping terrorists.

Since the time of Archimedes, human history has acknowledged six simple machines, basic tools designed to advance our lots. But in 2014, no tool proved simpler and more efficient in the production of sublimation, denial and self-sustaining garbage than our conservative media. Here were its highest achievements.

All this talk about Adrian Peterson and corporal punishment has some conservatives going batty. They got whacked and turned out just fine! Also, if you don't hurt your children, they will grow up bereft of responsibility and Jesus Christ will plunge them into a lake of fire.