Florida and Navy officials revealed last Friday that they’re investigating an incident in which a U.S. Navy hovercraft being operated off-base by military contractors ran over a kayaker at high speed, leaving him bloodied in the water off Panama City Beach.

Why did it take the federal government so long to prosecute the Blackwater contractors who shot up a Baghdad square in 2007, killing and maiming scores of Iraqis? Because investigators were trying to wait out the Bush administration, which wanted to go easy on the killers, recently unearthed documents show.

Investigators this week called the military to task for paying Afghan contractors half a million dollars to construct a training base "made mostly of sand" that melted in the rain four months later, calling the now-demolished project "not only an embarrassment, but, more significantly, a waste of U.S. taxpayers' money."

Erik Prince, the diminutive Blackwater founder, knows why four of his ex-employees were just convicted of murdering Iraqi civilians with machine guns: the goddamn anti-war hippies.

Want to get out of debt fast? Burnish your resumé? Have I got just the job for you. Did I say "I"? I mean "we," as in the Department of the Army and "Office of Security Assistance-Iraq."