Come on, America, you knock-kneed purty little princess. Did you really think you could handle being ruled by a POTUS so potent he grows surplus pubes on his stiff upper lip?

Post-peace hipster follicle-farm John Bolton is the latest contestant in the New York Times' "Who can write the insanest Strangelove shit about scary Persians?" sweepstakes, with an entry that concludes we must bomb... something somewhere. But if you pan this stream of consciousness long enough, a gold nugget turns up.