Since the time of Archimedes, human history has acknowledged six simple machines, basic tools designed to advance our lots. But in 2014, no tool proved simpler and more efficient in the production of sublimation, denial and self-sustaining garbage than our conservative media. Here were its highest achievements.

Demonstrating all the alacrity of a scorned online fedora-enthusiast and all the civility of—well, of a murderous jihadi—a social media account connected to allies of the Islamic State has issued calls to kill Twitter employees for trying to stamp out radicals' accounts on the popular social service.