Come on, America, you knock-kneed purty little princess. Did you really think you could handle being ruled by a POTUS so potent he grows surplus pubes on his stiff upper lip?

Rand Paul, the great white hope, presumed enemy of extrajudicial killings from the air, shocked and disappointed his libertarian disciples today by embracing drone warfare and defending President Obama’s use of flying death machines to immolate two hostages held by Al Qaeda.

There was Dick Cheney, as always, arguing that the only way to deal with Iran was to bomb it back to 1953. But President George W. Bush, on the unanimous advice of his generals, decided such a campaign would be a disaster—and Cheney began an end run that’s working wonders with today’s top Republicans.

In 2007, folksy war addict Mike Huckabee told Meet the Press viewers that it’s dangerous “to oppose a sitting commander in chief while we’ve got people being shot at on the ground.” But it’s election time! So now, willing Americans, stay out of the military until you have a commander in chief that pleases Huck.

In the leadup to today's votepocalypse, I've been pretty harsh to Sen. Mark Udall (D-Colo.), a terrible campaigner who's blown a pretty sure thing in his limp, cynical reelection campaign. But one reader wrote to me with a counterpoint——one strong enough that it's worth publishing here.

With a nod to his "Turn Out For What" Rock the Vote campaign, rapper Lil Jon complained this morning on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram that he was forced to board an early flight from L.A. to Georgia to vote in person in today's election after he never received a requested absentee ballot.

Voting sucks. Off-year voting sucks the worst. Like Valentine's, Election Day 2014 seems less a heartfelt chance to express preferences than a mandate to give one's limited purchasing options a whiff of will and legitimacy. You can be forgiven for apathy. But you still must make some choices. Here's some info to help.

Libertarians are having a moment or something, and there is much excitement over the possibility of a presidential run by a bizarrely coiffed amateur ophthalmologist and civil-rights opponent. How could he be more obnoxious? By staking his candidacy on Silicon Valley brogrammers.