It's been more than two months since America started dropping laser-guided freedom all over the Islamic State. But for some reason, the flowers of liberty aren't blooming in all those new holes we've dug in Iraq and Syria. Perhaps it's because we should bomb more shit, say two experts in talking about bombing shit.

Condoleezza "Mushroom Cloud" Rice—whose historic tenure as national security adviser and secretary of state was distinguished by 9/11, two wars, self-preserving dishonesty, and idiocy—was given the U.S. Military Academy's Thayer Award " for service in the national interest" last night.

It's been five years since Bobby Jindal, postmodern joke, retaught himself how not to speak like an NBC page. But if he's going to be endear himself enough to be your president he's got to do something big, like taking more of your money from you to bomb more non-Americans into loving America.

Ted Cruz, Princeton '92 and creepy bathrobe enthusiast, is really tired of all these nancyboys who run the military, insisting that there must be political reconciliation and trustbuilding to forge stability in Iraq. Is he gonna have to go over there and bloody up some jihadi ass himself?

Or pick up an M4 and do something about those Hollywood fantasies your goddamn chicken-shitty, Feith-loving, history-distorting, Greek-worshipping, ranch-inheriting, race-baiting self.