America is in the throes of a maize maze malaise: People keep getting lost in corn mazes and calling 911.

NRA frontman and "jackbooted thugs" scholar Wayne LaPierre has a new cover story out in an Election Day edition of the group's magazine, America's First Freedom. The gist: "Vote Your Guns In November," because so much danger is closing in on Obama's America you should be shitting yourself with fear.