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Bill O'Reilly has the spittle of a young soldier and the wattle of an elder statesman, but does he have the intellectual or moral mettle of a war strategist? No. No, he does not.

O'Reilly used his "Talking Points" segment Monday to solve a sticky security dilemma: Only ground troops, he surmised, could defeat the Islamic State's forces. But Americans don't want a ground war. How to break this impasse, Bill?

What about a mercenary army?

Eh?

Elite fighters who would be well-paid and well-trained to fight terrorists all over the world? Here's how it would work.

No.

The fighters would be recruited by America and trained in the USA by our special forces…

You can listen to the rest of O'Reilly's spiel above, which basically boils down to 25,000 handsomely compensated soldiers of fortune, all English-speaking, to put on their shitkickers and traipse about the world for three years kicking some shit. Say, what do you call an "anti-terror army" like this?

The force would be called "The Anti-Terror Army."

Oh, and one more thing:

Finally, it would help a lot if the U.S. Congress would formally declare war on terrorism.

Would it! Would it? It would not! That's according to the foreign policy hawks that O'Reilly proceeded to ask about the mercenary gambit. First there's Tom Nichols, a big-stick kinda guy who teaches strategy at the Naval War College (and helped get this guy hired there). O'Reilly asked Nichols for his take on the Anti-Terror Army, and Nichols replied thus:

Well, Bill, I understand your frustration. I really do. But this is a terrible idea, a terrible idea not just as a practical matter but a moral matter. It's a morally corrosive idea to try to outsource our national security. This is something Americans are going to have to deal for themselves. We're not going to solve this problem by creating an army of Marvel Avengers or the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Okay, the conservative professoriate has spoken. But what about a real fancypants war-addict like Charles Krauthammer?

"Saying that something is needed is not an argument for saying it's gonna work," Krauthammer shot back at O'Reilly, having suddenly accessed a portion of his left brain that had been unavailable since 2002. "Do you really want to be running around the world responsible for a band of desperados?":

Your idea you've gone from out of the box to off the wall… you want to create a French Foreign Legion that speaks English.

When you've lost Neocon Mack Daddy, you've lost America. Unless...

Ah, Billy, you bold fresh piece of humanity.