This weak-ass presidential security imbroglio wouldn't happen if Rick Perry was president, says Rick Perry. Maybe if Obama got assassinated, then he'd do something about securing the White House, says Politico. Maybe they're right, and the Secret Service knows it, and is just trying to teach this latte lawyer how real life works.

Ostensibly, this all looks like it's the Secret Service's fault, right? A knife-wielding man hopped a fence and blew through the first rooms of the White House faster than Josh Lyman looking for C.J. on a Very Special Episode of The West Wing. There was also the time last month that the Secret Service let President Obama unwittingly ride in an elevator with a "security contractor with a gun and three convictions for assault and battery." And today we learned that maybe some of the president's security agents also tipped his political opponents off to secret details about his upcoming schedule during the 2012 campaign.

"Jesus," asks one of my colleagues. "Is the secret service trying to kill Obama?" No. They're simply trying to teach him a lesson, even if it fucking kills him.

Rick Perry says his security detail—led by a lady!—would have dropped that fence-hopper "dead down." Why can't Barack Obama get his people to do that? Maybe it's just his "colossal lack of management judgment," which Politico is fairly sure will result in Obama's assassination, which may be the only way to get Obama engaged in Secret Service tactics, man.

We don't want our president to be a fecklesser-in-chief, we want him to be a father to America. We look up to him for guidance, but we need him to pay for stuff, too, and goddamn if we're gonna let him die on our time and leave us up shit river with no food or health insurance and a bill for Spring Break Europe '15 just because he's a weak-willed softie who doesn't know how to secure the homestead.

So maybe Dad needs some fatherly tough love of his own. Some "Smoke the whole pack, see how that feels now," "Oh sure you can stick that fork in the outlet. Oops! What did you learn?" kind of guidance from the hardened elders of the Secret Service. You think they're just being incompetent? It's all a part of the plan, man. Obama's gonna have to learn to Air Force One this motherfucker.

If not, he'll just become another statistic.

Either way, America gets a tougher president, because the Secret Service is looking out for us.